The Traumatized Fighter

May 22

Triggers in Training and Becoming Trauma-Informed

My ‘Why’

I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, sexual assault, and domestic violence later in life. It’s something I talk about openly and often. Throughout the years as I’ve struggled with my mental health, loved ones have asked me if I’m making it worse because I keep talking about the abuse so much. They think it might be easier if I just focused on the present. While I understand their desire to help comes from love, and a lack of understanding about trauma and the way it affects the brain, it hurt to hear that someone I loved didn’t want to hear about it. It made me feel like I was inconveniencing them with my emotions – a fear I’ve retained since childhood.

Speaking out is part of my healing process. Some of the greatest tools of abusers are secrets, shame, and isolation. Talking about my experiences helps diminish the feeling that I have something to hide. The most painful part of my childhood abuse was that I believed it was my fault. That manipulation made me want to keep it a secret and allowed my abuser to continue for five years. So, every time I speak out now, I’m reminding myself, that it wasn’t my fault, and that I did nothing wrong—so much so that I’m willing to tell the whole world about it. The loneliness of those years was crippling. I could not be myself with anyone, even those closest to me. Because I was alone, I felt I was the only person experiencing this, making it feel even more like something was wrong with me. When I share, it’s with the hope that someone who has been through anything similar may hear me, and know they are not alone, and it was (or is) not their fault.

Finally, I continue to share because the trauma still lives in me. Even though it has been ten years since I’ve seen the face of my abuser and nine of constant healing works including therapy, journaling, Muay Thai, and other avenues, my body and brain still hold those memories and beliefs. Every day is a fight to show that little girl that she is safe now.

My Triggers

Years ago, I was clinching with one of my coaches, whom I had a good friendship with, he’d never acted in any way that made me feel unsafe. However, his body type was the same as my childhood abuser. During this round, I felt his body pressed up against me and I couldn’t move or get out of the position in the clinch. Instantly, I felt angry and scared and couldn’t control my breathing. I wanted to do anything to get out of the situation even hurt him if needed. Fortunately, the round was almost finished, and I went straight to the bathroom to sit and cry. At that moment, I was that scared little girl again. The emotions were exactly the same. I used some of the grounding techniques I’ve learned and spoke aloud to myself.
I am safe. I am in Thailand. I want to be here. I love doing this. I am not in the same situation.
Those words with the deep breaths brought me enough peace to gather myself and and face people in the gym. The training session was finished, and I returned home and journaled, as well as reached out to friends to talk as I processed. Even if the training wasn’t over, I decided I would have used that time to go home and process. I am capable and intentional in compartmentalizing my emotions or what’s happening outside the gym and putting in the work, but some things are more important. Rewiring my body and mind to understand it is safe is my top priority. What is the point of discipline if you are not giving yourself the space to be flexible when required?
A couple of weeks later, it happened again. Up until then, I had not been asked to clinch with him again, so I wasn’t sure if it was a one-time incident. One morning, he demonstrated a body-lock technique and asked me to assist him. The feeling of him locked onto me and not letting go triggered me again. I was filled with disgust and my whole demeanor changed. I went to the bathroom to cry and compose myself once more. My training partner felt I left because I didn’t want to work with her. I explained that it had nothing to do with her as a training partner, but simply that I was triggered, and she understood.

After that, I set a boundary — I wouldn’t clinch with that coach. I spoke to the gym owner, explaining it wasn’t out of dislike or disrespect to him, but simply knowing it was unnecessary. I have a right to protect myself, and I had many teammates and coaches I could work with without subjecting myself to those feelings.

This was not the first time I had been triggered in training, but it was the most visceral.

Triggers have manifested in various ways - feeling cornered and trapped in sparring, especially with men who are larger than me. I had a dear friend - a man three times my size, and whenever we would spar, he consistently moved forward and put pressure on me. He didn’t strike me hard, but the feeling of not having a second to breathe or having a way out was overwhelming. I would feel angry and scared and even want to cry afterward, but it was never unmanageable.

Understanding Trauma

What is trauma? Dr. Gabor Mate defines trauma as follows.

“Trauma is a psychic wound that hardens you psychologically that then interferes with your ability to grow and develop. It pains you and now you're acting out of pain. It induces fear and now you're acting out of fear. Trauma is not what happens to you, it's what happens inside you as a result of what happened to you.”

I don’t always notice when I’m reacting out of fear immediately. Sometimes it’s obvious - I feel the anger boil up inside of me trying to erupt. Others it’s more subtle, I start acting from a scarcity mindset, assuming the worst, thinking people are judging me or talking about me so I need to defend myself from thoughts and beliefs that may or may not be happening.

“We have learned that trauma is not just an event that took place sometime in the past; it is also the imprint left by that experience on mind, brain, and body. This imprint has ongoing consequences for how the human organism manages to survive in the present. Trauma results in a fundamental reorganization of the way mind and brain manage perceptions. It changes not only how we think and what we think about, but also our very capacity to think.”

— 'The Body Keeps the Score' - Bessel van der Kolk

The studies compiled and explored by Bessel van der Kolk in ‘The Body Keeps the Score’ further delve into how trauma survivors neurologically and physiologically respond to the present. The body and mind store those memories. Monitoring showed the brains of trauma survivors who were triggered reacted exactly as though the traumatizing event was happening again. Though “triggered” has become a buzzword, the real definition is being brought right back to that moment of experiencing the trauma.

With this basic understanding of the validity of what the mind does, you can use this knowledge to work around the reality that you or others will be triggered by the traumas especially in the gym. What are we to do when that happens?

Grounding After Triggers

How I manage/work through triggers:

**Recognize that you’re feeling triggered** - symptoms include: sudden panic, fear, or anger; being overwhelmed; flashbacks and more.
**Pause** - Step away from the situation - in the bathroom, leaving the gym, or missing a training session.
**Identify/feel the feelings** - Audibly naming what sensations I’m feeling in my body, then trying to understand where they come from.
Alone - journaling, voice notes, etc.
Supported - talking with someone I trust.
**Ground yourself** - Saprea Grounding Techniques

Rest and recover - Typically after a trigger, I’m exhausted and need to bring my nervous system back to regulation, usually, sleep helps and I wake up feeling more capable of everything.

Determine boundaries/next steps - This can happen before rest, but I prefer to approach it when I’m less exhausted or emotional.

Keep moving and self-care - shower, walk, clean something small. The intention is to show up for myself matching the energy I have to stop from potential depression.

Environment is Everything

People grow more when they are in environments that encourage growth. As someone who has already spent so much of my life in survival, I know I’m capable of pushing through a lot. However, when I go to the survival space, I am no longer learning. I’m not creative, and my responses come from a sense of urgency to survive rather than being smart. It’s why it’s taken me so long to develop a good fight IQ because my fighting has been reactionary. In this state, I find myself getting frustrated with my mistakes and tensing up more as I repeat them, so the learning process is even slower. Being in a place where I know I can make mistakes without judgment and train on my terms, supports me to do what I need and allows me to learn and think for myself. Making me a better student, fighter, and teacher.

**The Yerkes-Dodson Law**

The Yerkes-Dodson Law proposes that you reach your peak level of performance with an intermediate level of stress, or arousal. Too little or too much arousal results in poorer performance.
A safe environment is not a stress-free environment. Stress is an important part of development, but working on the optimal amount of stress that you or your students undergo is important for not only their learning but their mental and physical health as well.

When coaches overwork their students to build insane cardio with the hope of increasing resilience, it can lead to poor performance and injury, but also burnout. Those who rely on abusive methods are even more dangerous because the poor-performing athlete will receive abuse as a punishment and harsher training circumstances, continuing this spiral all in the name of creating champions.

It has only been since I’ve been in an environment where there are high expectations, and I’m held accountable, but never shamed and encouraged to keep working every day, that I’ve seen myself improve at an exponential rate.

Bridging the Gap

When I reflect on these experiences, I am struck by how few things in life are personal. Understanding my triggers and the “whys” behind them has helped me to show others more grace. If someone changes their demeanor around me intentionally or not, chances are it has nothing to do with me. I will not allow someone to attack me, or cause me harm, but as long as they’re not, I can hold space for them to be who they need to be, and I hope others show me the same grace.

Ways Coaches and Teammates can accommodate:

Study sports psychology – having a basic understanding of how the mind works and the best way to motivate or direct your students is important. It also protects from abusive tactics as a fallback like yelling, name-calling, etc.
Invest in trauma-informed education – understanding the basics will allow for growth in all of your students with and without trauma.
Require background checks for all instructors – create a safe space and if one of your instructors has a record, know full transparency is key to gaining trust.
Respect students’ boundaries when expressed without repercussions. If someone states they won’t work with another student, they shouldn’t be bullied or pressured. This also applies to passive-aggressive comments to the class.
If a student leaves during training, it’s usually not a sign of laziness or weakness and is worth reaching out.
Don’t take it personally if someone doesn’t want to work with you. Perhaps ask if there’s something you could do better, but also feel free to leave it alone.

While these things require more work up front, they create the environment for the best kind of learning. A little effort goes a long way once everyone in the gym understands the standards and culture, it’s easy to uphold.

Nothing feels worse than thinking that I will lose opportunities or be treated poorly by my coaches if I take the time to process and heal after triggers. So often I feel behind because of my trauma and if I don’t have the time to let go then it compounds. That time is essential to being back in the gym and even better than before.